grateful for you

21 Mar

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Dear Readers,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm, thoughtful, enlightening and honest comments to my post about my issues with anxiety. I was truly overwhelmed by the response. It was very difficult for me to write about something so personal that I am also embarrassed about. The morning I posted it, I spent a good twenty minutes going back and forth with myself before hitting “publish”. Once I finally did, and it was out into the open, I felt relieved. It felt good to be the authentic & messy me. Now you all know my dirty little secret and after reading all of your comments, I know that I don’t suffer alone.

We’re all a work in progress, huh? And this living thing can get a bit messy and confusing sometimes.

I was telling Maggi, my life coach about how touched I was by the feedback the piece received and she reminded me of something that was rather painful for me to hear as a writer- that up until “The Cloak”, I haven’t been sharing as deeply as I used to in my posts these past few months.  At first, I scoffed at this and pointed out a few posts here and there that I did but I knew that she spoke the truth. Totally annoying when that happens, huh?

I used to let it alllllll hang out here. But these last few months have been so difficult for me that I just couldn’t go there. I mean it’s taken all my might to just make it through the day with my anxiety, the stress and joy of planning a wedding, buying our first home, worrying about the future, building my career and showing up for my family, friends and partner. I was scared that if I stood still long enough to describe the tornado to all of you, while I was standing in the friggin center of the tornado, I would be swallowed up.

Does that make sense?

So instead, I decided to focus on the little joys in life like nesting, cooking Sunday night dinners for family, creating a new office space and going on artist dates with myself. It helped keep me somewhat sane in these anxious times. I can’t be heavy every day, ya know? Also, part of me didn’t want to seem ungrateful. When I started this blog my life was in the shitter. I was broke, confused about my career, supplementing my freelance income with nannying (which was truly painful activity- I could write a whole book about that year), depressed and single. In a little under two years my life looks completely different. I am getting married to the man of my dreams, my writing career has enjoyed many great highs and advancements (even if I am still want more), I’m not stressed about money, we are proud new owners of a loft that I swear looks exactly like the images on my vision board and I’m generally a very happy person.

I got everything I wanted these last two years.

I was afraid that if I told you how off I was feeling you guys would think I was nuts, negative or ungrateful.

But then I thought, maybe that’s it. Maybe getting everything you want also comes with a price and being a woman in your thirties is hard to navigate. The stakes are different from being a woman in your twenties. I doubt I’m alone in feeling this. So I decided it was time to share about my fears and anxieties and curl up on the couch on a rainy Wednesday afternoon and write from the most honest place I could.

I am so very honored that you guys responded with such love and I am grateful for each one of you.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and thanks for again reminding me that I am not alone.

L,

Kate

 

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13 Responses to “grateful for you”

  1. Rebecca Koo March 21, 2013 at 11:18 am #

    Yay! We your readers love you! Thank you for trusting us with your deeper truths. This is a great post and a wonderful follow up to the cloak. You have so much in you, thank you for sharing!

  2. barbarapotter March 21, 2013 at 11:23 am #

    Beautiful love you. That is what makes everything so great to read. ABTTT as Jen posted recently. PS I am dying to see your nest.

  3. Carolyn March 21, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

    Thank you for this! I only just started reading your blog and I love it. Because I feel you! Right now, I have everything I wanted and started working towards a few years ago. And I’ve been in such a funk recently that I feel guilty that I’m not enjoying it. And guilty that I have some unique opportunities that others would love to have and instead of rejoicing I’m pouting because of the stress of change and the uncertainty I still feel. It’s slowly lifting, and knowing there are people like me (like you!) helps a lot. Keep sharing!

    • katemcclafferty March 22, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

      Carolyn, I am so happy you find my blog! Thank you for your support. I am so relieved to know that I am not alone or crazy! Grateful for you. xx

  4. SewHaute March 21, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Love this post. The last 2 years really have been a whirlwind. But one that got you to the happiest life changing place ever! It hard to ever foresee how life will turn out, but the fact that you took several steps forward with high hopes and a smile really helped push you in a positive direction. Also now you have found your team member to life, who will guide you and be by your side when you’re in doubt, feel anxious, or just generally need to exhale. I love you, Katie. And I’m so happy for your beautiful little world. It’s kind of a big deal 😉

  5. jenweinstein March 21, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your soul every day with us. You are truly amazing and I’m always excited to see what’s going to be next.

    • katemcclafferty March 22, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Thank you sweetness! I am so grateful for your presence in my life. xx

  6. mariab24 March 21, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    You continue to inspire me and I know you only from this beautiful blog. So glad I found it because it’s always a pleasure to read. Looking at how wonderful things have turned out for you helps me keep the hope i carry around alive. It’s easy to feel knocked down when things aren’t going the way you want them to. It’s easy to let that hope slip away, but I try sooo hard to hold onto it and then when I read about how things worked out for you, I know they’ll work out for me too! I already do know this deep down inside but when things are a little rough its nice to see the reminders that all good things come to good people! Keep on writing… 🙂

    • katemcclafferty March 22, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

      You continue to inspire me! I’m so grateful to have you as a reader. Believe me- I totally understand feeling knocked down. It’s an exhausting feeling. I know everything will work out amazingly for you. They always do for lovely people. Keep the faith.
      Hope you have a great weekend!
      xoxo

  7. authenticalive March 21, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    Hi Kate… It’s Jo Ellen from the Ojai retreat… just wanted to let you know I’m coming and will be giving healing and joyful sessions..Your writing is from your heart.. I appreciate reading your blogs…

    • katemcclafferty March 22, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

      thank you Jo Ellen. I appreciate you and your kind words. Hope you are happy and well….

  8. Danielle March 22, 2013 at 2:48 am #

    You are such, such an inspiration, Kate. You really deserve “everything you wanted” and more. Thank YOU, too for being so honest and authentic and vulnerable.

  9. Robin March 27, 2013 at 8:32 am #

    In a funny twist of fate I read 2 MindBodyGreen articles this morning…the kind of reading where I didn’t just scan but really read it, nodding my head along, feeling it deep in my soul (I’ve lived with anxiety since grade school). One was yours and one was Katie Devine’s. I went to explore her blog first only to find the first entry being a link back to yours…a very “is that you God, it’s me Margaret?” moment. So glad to have found this 🙂 thank you

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