Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm, thoughtful, enlightening and honest comments to my post about my issues with anxiety. I was truly overwhelmed by the response. It was very difficult for me to write about something so personal that I am also embarrassed about. The morning I posted it, I spent a good twenty minutes going back and forth with myself before hitting “publish”. Once I finally did, and it was out into the open, I felt relieved. It felt good to be the authentic & messy me. Now you all know my dirty little secret and after reading all of your comments, I know that I don’t suffer alone.
We’re all a work in progress, huh? And this living thing can get a bit messy and confusing sometimes.
I was telling Maggi, my life coach about how touched I was by the feedback the piece received and she reminded me of something that was rather painful for me to hear as a writer- that up until “The Cloak”, I haven’t been sharing as deeply as I used to in my posts these past few months. At first, I scoffed at this and pointed out a few posts here and there that I did but I knew that she spoke the truth. Totally annoying when that happens, huh?
I used to let it alllllll hang out here. But these last few months have been so difficult for me that I just couldn’t go there. I mean it’s taken all my might to just make it through the day with my anxiety, the stress and joy of planning a wedding, buying our first home, worrying about the future, building my career and showing up for my family, friends and partner. I was scared that if I stood still long enough to describe the tornado to all of you, while I was standing in the friggin center of the tornado, I would be swallowed up.
Does that make sense?
So instead, I decided to focus on the little joys in life like nesting, cooking Sunday night dinners for family, creating a new office space and going on artist dates with myself. It helped keep me somewhat sane in these anxious times. I can’t be heavy every day, ya know? Also, part of me didn’t want to seem ungrateful. When I started this blog my life was in the shitter. I was broke, confused about my career, supplementing my freelance income with nannying (which was truly painful activity- I could write a whole book about that year), depressed and single. In a little under two years my life looks completely different. I am getting married to the man of my dreams, my writing career has enjoyed many great highs and advancements (even if I am still want more), I’m not stressed about money, we are proud new owners of a loft that I swear looks exactly like the images on my vision board and I’m generally a very happy person.
I got everything I wanted these last two years.
I was afraid that if I told you how off I was feeling you guys would think I was nuts, negative or ungrateful.
But then I thought, maybe that’s it. Maybe getting everything you want also comes with a price and being a woman in your thirties is hard to navigate. The stakes are different from being a woman in your twenties. I doubt I’m alone in feeling this. So I decided it was time to share about my fears and anxieties and curl up on the couch on a rainy Wednesday afternoon and write from the most honest place I could.
I am so very honored that you guys responded with such love and I am grateful for each one of you.
Thank you for being on this journey with me and thanks for again reminding me that I am not alone.