Tag Archives: having it all

screw off to-do list.

4 Apr


Yesterday I had a conversation with a family member who reached out to me in response to my posts about anxiety. She shared personal stories with me about bouts of anxiety she’s had from time to time and how she’s dealt with them. It was a lovely, thoughtful and enlightening call. I appreciated every single word of what she shared. During our talk she said something that really resonated with me-

“Honey, you can have it all…just not at the same time.

Truth is, I do want it all. I’ve always wanted it all. I’m quite possibly even a perfectionist. Currently, I want…the perfect wedding. I want to be an amazing partner to Brian everyday. I want to sell my book. I want to blog everyday. I want to write for my favorite sites every week. I want my career as a writer to keep growing while also focusing on my business as a fit model. I want to be there for my friends & family when they need me. I want to practice yoga or workout everyday. I want to do things that inspire me (like ballet classes and artists dates). I want to cook Sunday night dinners. I want to do everything.

Most importantly I want to see movement everyday. The kind that I can track. And when I don’t or I fail at crossing things off my to-do list, I’m pretty damn hard on myself. No wonder I feel anxious! I’m constantly riding myself.

It was an important realization for me about myself.

As it usually goes I was given a little test by the universe on “lightning up” soon after. I got home from a day of fittings and my nearest and dearest friend Rachel came over for a visit and to talk over our upcoming engagement shoot this weekend. Rachel is an insanely talented photographer and when I was thinking about who should shoot our engagement photos she was the only person I wanted.

When she walked in the door I could tell she had had a crap day.  I offered her something to drink…diet coke, water, ice tea? And she said, “how about a glass of wine?”

I looked at the clock. It was 4pm. I immediately thought of my to-do list. I wanted to finish a new piece for Mind Body Green. I had my bar method class at 5. I wanted to get to the market to get salmon for dinner. I had to do a bunch of invoices. I needed to order our save the dates….blah blah blah. But instead of be ruled by my to-do list I said, “Sure!” And guess what happened?? We had an amazing few hours sitting around talking about life, love, marriage, work, family and everything in between while drinking wine. It was the kind of afternoon I will remember for a long time and it was much more full-filling than my bar method class or Gelsons.

My first exercise in being kinder to myself, staying in the moment and saying “screw-off” to my extensive to-do list was a complete success!


“That’s the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.”
Cindy Chupack



grateful for you

21 Mar


Dear Readers,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm, thoughtful, enlightening and honest comments to my post about my issues with anxiety. I was truly overwhelmed by the response. It was very difficult for me to write about something so personal that I am also embarrassed about. The morning I posted it, I spent a good twenty minutes going back and forth with myself before hitting “publish”. Once I finally did, and it was out into the open, I felt relieved. It felt good to be the authentic & messy me. Now you all know my dirty little secret and after reading all of your comments, I know that I don’t suffer alone.

We’re all a work in progress, huh? And this living thing can get a bit messy and confusing sometimes.

I was telling Maggi, my life coach about how touched I was by the feedback the piece received and she reminded me of something that was rather painful for me to hear as a writer- that up until “The Cloak”, I haven’t been sharing as deeply as I used to in my posts these past few months.  At first, I scoffed at this and pointed out a few posts here and there that I did but I knew that she spoke the truth. Totally annoying when that happens, huh?

I used to let it alllllll hang out here. But these last few months have been so difficult for me that I just couldn’t go there. I mean it’s taken all my might to just make it through the day with my anxiety, the stress and joy of planning a wedding, buying our first home, worrying about the future, building my career and showing up for my family, friends and partner. I was scared that if I stood still long enough to describe the tornado to all of you, while I was standing in the friggin center of the tornado, I would be swallowed up.

Does that make sense?

So instead, I decided to focus on the little joys in life like nesting, cooking Sunday night dinners for family, creating a new office space and going on artist dates with myself. It helped keep me somewhat sane in these anxious times. I can’t be heavy every day, ya know? Also, part of me didn’t want to seem ungrateful. When I started this blog my life was in the shitter. I was broke, confused about my career, supplementing my freelance income with nannying (which was truly painful activity- I could write a whole book about that year), depressed and single. In a little under two years my life looks completely different. I am getting married to the man of my dreams, my writing career has enjoyed many great highs and advancements (even if I am still want more), I’m not stressed about money, we are proud new owners of a loft that I swear looks exactly like the images on my vision board and I’m generally a very happy person.

I got everything I wanted these last two years.

I was afraid that if I told you how off I was feeling you guys would think I was nuts, negative or ungrateful.

But then I thought, maybe that’s it. Maybe getting everything you want also comes with a price and being a woman in your thirties is hard to navigate. The stakes are different from being a woman in your twenties. I doubt I’m alone in feeling this. So I decided it was time to share about my fears and anxieties and curl up on the couch on a rainy Wednesday afternoon and write from the most honest place I could.

I am so very honored that you guys responded with such love and I am grateful for each one of you.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and thanks for again reminding me that I am not alone.