Tag Archives: motherhood

8 months

12 Apr

8 months

Holy shit we’re having a baby verrrry soon. Everything is starting to feel surreal. How did we get here already? Where did the weeks go? An actual tiny human is coming to live with us??? Will we know what to do? I’m going to be somebody’s mother?? My focus has shifted from the pregnancy to the actual baby arriving in 6 weeks time (more or less). I am convinced he’s coming a little early though. I know…I know…probably first time mom wishful thinking…but seriously…I think he’s coming around week 38. My doctor has noticed signs he might come early as well. Considering I am 34 weeks pregnant and the baby isn’t considered full term until week 37 my doctor told me to once again cut back on activity (you’d think I was running marathons over here) so he safely makes it to 37 weeks. With all this talk he might come early….he will probably screw with me and show up in June instead. He’s just keeping me on my toes.

Cutting back on activity and staying off my feet for extended periods of time has been hard on me. I am not one who enjoys being immobile- I miss my long walks with Frank desperately! I think it’s safe to say Frank misses them too. He’s been grumpy. My poor little fur baby- I am so aware of his feelings right now. His days as an only child are limited. My nesting instinct has been in full effect as well. I feel the need to finish everything around the house. His room is still a total mess- boxes of baby stuff piled everywhere. We (Brian) has to put his bassinet together. We (Brian) has to put his dresser together. I still have to wash all his clothes and pack our hospital bags. It’s all making me feel a bit unsettled. At least we have the car seat in the car! I know it will all get finished and everything will be fine but the nesting urge is strong and making me feel a bit nutty.

I’m feeling…HUGE (like seriously this bump is massive. I’m not sure how it is possible for it to get any bigger???) and I feel uncomfortable all the time. I feel so much pressure (hey, at least his head is down and ready to go!) that I’ve taken to waddling around when I am on my feet. My lower back aches. I feel short of breath when I walk across the room. Actually, come to think of it I feel short of breath pretty much all the time. It’s driving me insane. I’ve just about given up on sleep. Tired is the new normal.

food loves…I wouldn’t say there is anything I’m loving right now. As I near the end I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat. I mean I can’t eat pasta all day everyday- especially if I am going to be moving less and less. I’ve been trying to eat smaller cleaner meals throughout the day rather than three big meals. I never feel good after a big meal anyways. I think my stomach is too squished.

daydreaming about…looking into my sons eyes for the first time. Seeing Brian hold him for the first time. Having our loved ones meet him for the first time. So many firsts!! They all get me so excited!!!

can’t wait to…be his mom. Although, I guess I already am. He doesn’t need to be in the outside world for this to begin. But you know what I mean.

least favorite parts of pregnancy this month…Ummmmm. A lot. See above.

favorite parts of pregnancy this month…It’s coming to a close! HA. No seriously the fact that it is coming to a close brings me great joy. Not only am I ready for pregnancy to be over I am SOOOOOO damn excited to meet this little creature. My son!!! I get to meet me son soon! Ready to start the next phase of this journey.

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spring has sprung

21 Mar

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photograph by Luisa Brimble 

Spring has officially arrived! Granted this means less when you live in sunny southern California (most winter days felt like spring around these parts) but it does signify a rebirth and renewal no matter where you live. The earth reawakens from her slumber, and explodes with new life. In our own lives, spring can be symbolic of starting new projects, sewing new seeds and coming forth with new ideas. I love the new energy spring brings. I also love that our sweet little boy will be arriving this spring season. He will most definitely be the best thing I have ever hatched in spring!

I had lots of plans yesterday to celebrate the Spring Equinox ( the moment the Sun crosses the celestial equator – the imaginary line in the sky above the Earth’s equator – from south to north) but I instead had to go with how my body felt and take it easy. At 31 weeks pregnant it seems to be the new normal around here. But that didn’t stop me from thinking (from my couch) about how certain aspects of spring can be incorporated into our daily lives.

RENEWAL

The earth starting to green up represents renewal: clear out the old to make space for the new.

It’s Spring cleaning time! To be honest I have been in spring cleaning mode for the last two months. I think it has something to do with the fact there’s a baby on its way. I’ve been obsessed with cleaning out closets and drawers and saying goodbye to things we don’t need or use. I want the house to feel open rather than cluttered. Brian is not a fan of such activities- that boy loves holding onto things we “might” need one day. But I believe-  if you haven’t used it in the past year, let it go. LET IT GO! Holding on to your old “material stuff” is also a representation of holding on to your old “emotional stuff” in my opinion. We still have a few areas to tackle before I will feel like the job is done but we are almost there.

I also believe that this is the perfect time of year to sage one’s home. Have you ever tried it? I wrote a post about it a while ago that explains the process if you’re interested.

BALANCE

The equal hours of day and night represent balance: a balanced life is a healthy life. Where can you find more balance in your life? I’ve personally realized that I need to find more balance in my work/play life. The last few months have been all about play, downtime and relaxation. Makes sense considering I’ve been growing a human and haven’t been working. I’m not going to lie, it’s been enjoyable but I am starting to feel unbalanced! There are only so many yoga classes one can go to and movies one can see before they start to go crazy. I’m craving order and structure. I miss working and focusing my energy on creative projects. While I know it’s probably not the right time to throw myself fully into work. I have been thinking about how I can find more balance in the day so that part of me still feels alive and well even with impending motherhood.

GRATITUDE

I find that the start of a new season is a good time to give thanks for all the joys, gifts and lessons that the last season brought. What did winter bring you this year? Give thanks for what you have and trust the Universe to continue to bring you more of what will serve your highest good.

What are your thoughts on the spring season?

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“We cannot stop the winter or the summer from coming. We cannot stop the spring or the fall or make them other than they are. They are gifts from the universe that we cannot refuse. But we can choose what we will contribute to life when each arrives.” – Gary Zukav

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7 months

11 Mar

7 months

Monthly pregnancy update – March / seven months

I’m a few weeks late in posting my seven month update. Remember when I said I would be posting more regularly because I am not working for many months while pregnant? Yeah, I’m not quite sure what happened to that plan either. I wish I could say it was due to the fact that I am incredibly busy…but no…my days are mellow. I’ve just had a hard time motivating. My energy level is low so I’ve been allowing myself to just “be”. Letting my to-do list become a list of suggestions rather than a list of musts. This can be hard for a doer like me! Pregnancy has definitely taught me how to slow down. It’s actually forced me to. I’m surrendering.

I’m writing this post from a hotel bed in San Francisco with a latte in hand (yes, I have one cup of regular coffee a day…my OB said it was ok!). I tagged along with Brian on a work trip for a few days. He will be in meetings non-stop but I figured it would be fun to poke around the city by myself for a few days. Although, it’s rainy and windy outside right now making bed and room service sound pretty appealing too. At 7 1/2 months pregnant I also kind of hate to sleep alone right now. This coming from a girl who used to love having the house to herself for a few days. But pregnancy has changed that. It’s not like I am worried I am going to go into labor or anything- I just feel more settled when Brian’s around.

The last month has been filled with growth- yes, I am referring to my belly. Well, let’s be honest…my growth everywhere. I seem to have become very pregnant in the last few weeks. I don’t understand how I can possibly have 10 more weeks of growing to do?!!? Is he a giant or something?? This belly is getting crazy. In the last week alone many strangers have asked when I am due and when I say May they are shocked. I mean where do you go from there, right? It makes for a very awkward encounter.

I’m feeling…HUGE- this belly is getting heavy. Lots of movement- he’s a strong little guy who likes work out all day!

food loves…it would still be fruit but my doc has made me cut back. I have slightly elevated amniotic fluid which is sometimes caused by an excess of sugar and carbs. I’ve also become anemic so my doc has told me to up my protein intake. Which has been hard because meat and fish haven’t been at the top of my list of cravings.

daydreaming about…him. I think about him all the time. I just can’t wait to hold him and peer into his eyes for the first time. I literally get teary when I think about it.

can’t wait to…become a family of four (yes, Frank counts)

least favorite parts of pregnancy this month…the lack of sleep. People keep saying…get your sleep now before the baby arrives and I want to scream…I’m trying!! It’s just impossible to get comfortable at night.

favorite parts of pregnancy this month…feeling him move is still my favorite part of pregnancy. Sometimes I’ll forget I’m pregnant (although, that’s getting harder to do these days) and BAM he will sucker punch me and I am immediately reminded I am not alone. It’s just so damn magical to have a little human growing inside you! Yes, even when it hurts a bit.

I already love you so much little one.

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“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” – Carrie Fisher

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6 months

1 Feb

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Monthly pregnancy update – February / six months

This pregnancy seems to be flying by at an incredible speed. When I first found out I was pregnant I wasn’t sure how I was expected to wait eight months to meet him (although, at the point I was convinced he was a she). It seemed impossibly long. But the weeks keep flying by and somehow it’s February 1st. How is that possible?! Although, I’m just starting to get to the “I’m uncomfortable all the time” stage of pregnancy so I have a sneaking suspicion time might start to slow for me. The most exciting update I have this month is that I can feel him move now! As I mentioned in a previous post I was prepared not to feel him move for a long while due to the position of my placenta. So I was shocked when I felt a kick. It was an unmistakable kick. I didn’t question if it was gas or digestion. Nope, it was very clear to me that something just kicked me from the inside. This is by far my favorite part of pregnancy. It’s such a surreal feeling. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel him and I live for those moments. I always stop whatever I am doing so I can be completely present for it. Brian says he always knows when I can feel him because a big smile washes over my face. I just can’t get enough of it. Feeling my son move inside me is the most magical thing I have ever experienced. With that said, I pretty much hate every other part of pregnancy. My back hurts…I can never get comfortable…sleeping at night has become impossible (the pregnancy pillow I ordered is useless. It’s massive too! It’s like wrestling an alligator in the middle of the night when I try to rearrange it)…I’m tired all the time…I miss moving my body more (doc made me tone down my workouts due to some cramping I experienced a few weeks ago)…after I eat I feel short of breath and claustrophobic…I just don’t feel like myself. Not like I expected to feel like myself while growing a human (don’t worry I’m not crazy). It’s just been a hard adjustment. I feel uncomfortable in my own body most days and I still have so many more months to go. But then I feel him kick and move and it’s all worth it. I’m already so madly in love with him.

I’m feeling…lots of movement from him. He’s most active in the morning around 7am and at night around 8:30-9:00. Luckily, he leaves me alone while I try to sleep. Maybe he knows I’m already having a hard enough time as it is. Thanks, little one. I’m personally feeling pretty calm. Which has surprised me. My anxiety is at an all time low. I’m sure as his due date nears that may change but at the moment life feels exactly as it should and I’m not stuck in my head worrying about the future or much of anything actually. The future feels bright and I feel grateful.

food loves…I’m still going strong with my love of fruit and yogurt. With the amount of yogurt I’ve been eating I wonder if I will be disgusted with it after I give birth.

daydreaming about…what he’s going to look like. Genes are such a funny thing. You really never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes kids look exactly like one parent…or sometimes they are a spitting image of uncle so in so…it’s really a crap shoot. I find myself wondering if he will have light hair like I did when I was born or jet black hair like Brian when he was born…I wonder if he will have Brian’s pretty green eyes…I wonder if he will furrow his brows like me when he thinks…I wonder if he will have finger toes like me. I just can’t wait to lay eyes on him. Oh and I also daydream about sushi a lot too.

can’t wait to…start our birth preparation classes. The more information the better in my mind. I keep reminding Brian that if he had something growing inside him that had to make an exit at some point…he’d be learning everything he could about the subject as well.

least favorite parts of pregnancy this month…not sleeping at night. My body aches as I toss and turn trying to get comfortable. I can’t wait to sleep on my stomach again.

favorite parts of pregnancy this month…feeling him move!!! The fact that my bump is no longer a burrito bump and instead an obvious baby bump. It certainly makes dressing it more fun.

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This ultrasound picture is from many weeks ago but it’s still one of my favorites. His little head was turned towards us so I got quite a clear image of his face. I fell in love with his little chin. I will admit he looks a bit like a  skeleton but a cute skeleton, right?!

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happy list…

15 Jan

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image via 

things that have been making me happy recently…

– feeling baby boy move. After the bad news about the location of the placenta I wasn’t expecting to feel him move for quite some time and then BAM I felt him! Now I feel him move all the time (he has certain times of day he is most active). It truly is one of the most magical things I have ever experienced

– my alloted one cup of coffee. Now that I can only have the one each day I look forward to it immensely each morning. Who knew I could be so grateful for a cup of coffee

– my super snuggly pup. He’s been such a lover recently. Maybe he knows his time as an only child is limited?

– Brian got another promotion at work. That makes two in one year! I’m just so damn proud of him. He works so hard and to see him get the recognition he deserves brings me joy

– the green dream smoothie (almond milk, green apple, frozen banana, kale a parsley) from Kreation. I want one every day right now

– a prenatal yoga class held at a doulas house that totally blissed me out

– long walks on grey days

– watching episodes of “Girlfriends Guide To Divorce”. They are mindless fun and give me a laugh

– my growing baby bump. I have such an appreciation for my body these days

– a bright light filled space that makes being home more right now manageable

– a trip we are taking next weekend to Carmel by the sea for a friend’s wedding. I’m looking forward to celebrating the nuptials and being up north. It’s so pretty up there

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What’s been making you guys happy recently??

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Dalai Lama

 

Dalai Lama

 

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five months

7 Jan

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Monthly pregnancy update – January / five months

Moving right along over here- five months in and feeling pretty good. Baby Glodney is getting bigger by the day! If you ask the pregnancy app on my iPhone he’s currently the size of a banana. The fruit and vegetable comparison cracks me up. At week seven I made the mistake of scrolling to the final week, week 40, to see what fruit he would be by then…my eyes widened when I saw a picture of a watermelon. It scared the shit out of me. I scrolled back to the picture of a blueberry as fast as I could. This growing a human in your stomach thing is wild. It’s so sci-fi! When I see him on the ultrasound screen I still feel like I am watching television. My brain has a hard time comprehending that the television image is happening inside me. You’d think the bump at my midsection would help it feel real. Maybe there’s still a bit of a disconnect because I can’t feel him move yet? I got the news a few weeks ago that my placenta has grown in a really unhelpful place- it’s low and anterior. The anterior part means it’s on the belly side of my uterus. So when he kicks he’s kicking the placenta instead of my stomach. I can’t feel a thing. My OB said I might not feel him move until after week 30. Major bummer… I was so looking forward to the joys of feeling him move. The placenta situation got even more annoying when I learned that it was also low and partially covering my cervix. For those of you who don’t know much about the female anatomy, the cervix is his exit out into the world once he’s fully cooked. So the fact that it’s being partially covered is clearly a problem. If the placenta does not move off the cervix as I progress then I will have to have a scheduled c-section. There’s not even another option. This news really upset me. I had an image of how our son was going to enter the world and that image did not include a c-section. I know that a healthy baby is all that really matters though so I will make peace with it if needed.

Other than my placenta situation it’s been an easy pregnancy so far. He’s been good to his mama. We’ve been working on cleaning out our office to make room for him. It was a much bigger project than I intended it to be. How can two people possibly hoard so much crap in a few short years?? I put Brian to work during the holiday break. I can safely say he’s had more  exciting and restful breaks from work. The room still looks crazy- papers and boxes everywhere but we are making progress. My goal is to have it totally cleaned out before the painter comes January 16th to paint the room.

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I’m feeling…so tired. I kept hearing that the second trimester would bring with it a surge of energy but I have yet to experience that. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick with either a cold or food poisoning for the last month but I am totally wiped.

food loves…fruit. It’s not a worthwhile day unless there is fruit involved. I can’t seem to get enough vanilla yogurt with bananas on top. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. I would also be happy if I could eat a chopped salad from Coral Tree Cafe for lunch everyday.

food hates…ummm there’s not much this pregnant lady won’t eat.

daydreaming about…a big family trip we might take (if we are brave enough) with the little guy in September. They say it’s easy to travel with babies when they are young so we are toying with the idea of taking him to a foreign (don’t worry we aren’t thinking third world this time) destination.

can’t wait to…paint his room.

least favorite parts of pregnancy this month…my weakened immune system and the fact that you can’t take cold meds when you are pregnant. Such a cruel joke.

favorite parts of pregnancy this month…ahhh so much. I love when Brian puts his hand on my growing belly to say hi to the babe. I feel so connected to my husband right now and it’s such a sweet time in our marriage. I also love putting my own hand on my belly and talking to him. Playing the name game with Brian has also been fun. I of course already have the perfect name picked out for our son but to be fair I’m going through the motions of looking through books and putting a larger list together so we can discuss. Compromise at it’s finest.

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around these parts…

5 Jan

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(image via)

Happy New Year lovely people!! I’m always a bit shocked when a new year arrives. Time seems to be moving at warp speed. Where did 2015 go, you know? Although, I’m ok with putting 2015 to bed…I like the sound of 2016. The number just feels good rolling off my tongue and I love the energy that a new year brings. 2015, was an intense year for me- intensely hard and intensely beautiful. I said it on my instagram account but it felt as if 2015 had two acts. Act one kicked my ass- it was filled with lessons, hard work, big questions & uncomfortable (albeit needed) personal growth. I can’t say I enjoyed that period but I know that it lead me to a better version of me, so, high-five Universe! Thanks for dragging me through the shit! I truly believe that we must go through dark periods to earn and appreciate the lighter ones, and act two of 2015 was just that…a big bright light. It was  one of the sweetest periods I can ever remember experiencing. I’m so grateful for the gifts it brought me.

This new year feels different from most for me. I’m usually all about starting the year off with big goals to accomplish in the 365 days I have. While I do still have goals this year (working on a new vision board now) my intention for this year is less about attaining things and more about enjoying things. It’s shaping up to be a year that I will have to be ok with things moving at a slower pace than I am used to. I officially stopped working last week until the babe arrives in May. I knew it was coming considering my job as a fit model is based on my measurements and they have certainly changed dramatically in the last few months. Even with the preparation, it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I really enjoy working and the idea of stopping sounded less than ideal. All my clients were great about it though. They were very supportive and reassuring that they would have me back when I was ready. So my plan is to go back a few months after he is born (granted I can get back to my measurements!). Even with their reassurance I found it hard to turn all my clients over to another fit model. I felt such a lack of control! I had to remind myself that change is inevitable and letting go was ok. There will always be new clients. On to a new adventure, right?!

So what am I going to do with myself for the next 4 1/2 months before he arrives? Your guess is as good as mine. Someone told me I could spend it getting his nursery ready. This idea made me giggle…who needs 4 1/2 months to ready a nursery? God help me if it takes that long! I’m hoping to fill my time with more writing & blogging. I’ve really neglected both for some time. I used to blog every damn day and now I’m lucky if I do once a week. I also hope to fall into a regular yoga practice. I haven’t gone to one class since finding out I was pregnant (In the beginning I was scared that I would hurt the baby but I think I am moving past my “scared of everything” phase). Ok so I definitely have blogging, writing & yoga to fill my days. My other ideas include a once a week artist date with myself, baking (because what better time to take up baking than when you are pregnant…I’m already getting bigger so why not just throw myself all in, you know?) & home projects (it’s so funny how strong the urge is to nest and ready your space before the baby arrives. Like he is going to care about the new credenza or which shade of grey I paint the walls!). Any other brilliant ideas about how I should spend the next few months?

 

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four months

2 Dec

 

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(me and my little guy / four months)

It’s shocking to me that I am already in my second trimester. The first seriously flew by! I am not complaining though, I much prefer the second. And not because I suffered extreme nausea during the first like so many women I know (I’ve actually experienced very little), but rather I feel safer in the second. I spent a lot of the first trimester worrying. I doubt this comes as a surprise. I’d swing between excitement (we’re having a baby!!) and worry on a daily basis. I worried I would miscarry. I worried about what I ate – there are so many random things on the “no” list! I worried about the tests they ran- all normal tests during the first trimester but still scary. I had one particularly horrible day when I experienced bad cramping around 10 weeks. I was terrified and spent most of the day in tears. I was so scared of loosing our baby. In the end they passed and our baby is happy and healthy. I’ve done my best to stay calm and relaxed. One…I want to enjoy my pregnancy, it’s such a magical time and I don’t want to spend it worrying. And two…I want my baby to enjoy the pregnancy. I don’t want him to spend his time growing in the belly of a person who’s feeling anxious all the time. I want it to be a calm and happy experience for all parties involved. Now that I am in my fourth month I am easing into it. There’s a definite bump, which I wasn’t expecting quite yet. I’m not sure what the norm for a bump is at four months though. I’m sure it varies!

The highlight of the first trimester was definitely finding out the baby’s gender. It’s crazy how early they can tell you now. They don’t even need to see it on an ultrasound. They took my blood to determine the baby’s gender- WILD. Both Brian and I wanted a boy. I’ve always imagined myself with a son so the idea of having a girl just seemed foreign. The fact that I wanted a boy left me convinced our baby was a girl. I’m not sure if I was preparing myself so I wouldn’t be disappointed? Waiting for the gender results proved hard for me. I am not known for my patience. When they took my blood they said it could take up to 14 business days to receive the results. Our results did not come back until the 14th business day. I mean, come on! By day 13 I had convinced myself our baby was a hermaphrodite and that was why it was taking so long. True story. When I finally did get the call from the doctor’s office and they said BOY I was in shock. A boy?!??! Still letting the news sink in- so happy about it though.

Monthly pregnancy update – December / four months

Baby’s Size-  A navel orange (4 inches)

I’m feeling...calmer, even more connected to the baby now that I can refer to it as a “him”, hungry all the damn time, extremely tired by the end of the day (I go to bed most nights at 9pm), grateful & more present.

food loves…yogurt (all flavors! my love for yogurt knows no limits), meat (my low was eating chili for breakfast. chili! so weird) & carbs.

food hates…eggs. before becoming pregnant my breakfast most mornings consisted of scrambled eggs. now the idea of handling them and eating them makes me uncomfortable.

daydreaming about…the nursery. I have so many ideas and I can’t wait to start his room.

can’t wait to…feel him move

least favorite parts of pregnancy this month…saying goodbye to my skinny jeans (they were tight even before pregnancy!), the fact that I can’t sleep on my stomach anymore (that’s the only way I sleep!)

favorite parts of pregnancy this month…the arrival of a small bump. sharing the news with our loved ones.

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and baby makes four…

30 Nov

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I’m guessing from the title of this post you know what’s coming…A BABY!!!!!!! Can you tell I’m happy about this news? Actually, happy isn’t a grand enough word to describe how I feel. I’m literally bursting at the seams with joy. I can’t seem to wipe the huge smile off my face. It’s been 75 days since I first held the positive pregnancy test in my hands and I still feel like I am floating on a cloud. The whole thing feels unreal despite the bulge at my midsection.

Brian and I started “trying” for a baby in June. I had heard it could take up to a year to get pregnant but I decided I was going to get pregnant the first month. Such an overachiever, huh? So imagine my surprise when I didn’t get pregnant that first month. I immediately started worrying. From then on, getting pregnant became all I could think about. I researched everything on the subject…what to eat, what not to eat, fertility boosters, stress relievers, positions, blah blah blah. In an attempt to get my body in tip-top shape I cut out alcohol, limited my caffeine intake, got off any anxiety medicine and started eating even healthier than I already did, all in hopes it would boost my chances of getting pregnant. After three months of trying…still no baby.

I was feeling rather defeated by the whole process. I am a person who believes that actions should yield results and my actions weren’t yielding the desired results.

I am aware that three months isn’t a very long time but it felt like an eternity to me. When you’re ready…you’re ready, you know? The process was a good lesson for me- I don’t control the universe. As much as I’d like to…I don’t and sadly, I never will. For a person who craves control, this is always a hard pill for me swallow.

I realized I had to refocus my energy. Instead of tightly griping on to my ideas of how it should go, I had to trust the process. I had to trust that our baby would come when it was meant to be. I had to trust the divine timing of it all. There’s magic in the things we can’t control. I truly believe the universe has an order to it and once I reminded myself of that I was able to surrender.

It was around this time I got pregnant.

September 16th…

My period wasn’t due for four days but I had been feeling “off” for close to a week with cramping and lower back aches.  I just felt weird. Of course this made me excited that I could possibly be pregnant but I also tried to remain cautious about getting too excited…I didn’t want to be disappointed.  After Brian left for work that morning I was lying in bed sipping my coffee when I remembered that I had an unopened package of First Responses under the sink in the bathroom (a pregnancy test that you can take six days before your missed period). So I thought…why not? If it’s negative I will try another test in a few days again. Nothing lost, right?

So I took the test…set the alarm for three minutes….sat on the bathroom floor in my pjs and continued to sip my coffee while I waited.

Three minutes later the alarm went off and I peered at the test.

And there it was….

yes!

That moment was an out-of-body experience. A billion thoughts rushed through my head in a millisecond. OMG!  It says YES! I’m going to be a mother…we’re going to have a baby!!!…I can’t wait to tell Brian!!…OMG…Holy shit…I’m going to be somebody’s mom…HOLY SHIT…HOLY SHIT…HOLY SHIT…there’s a tiny human in my belly! What a fucking miracle! Shit…am I allowed to drink coffee now that I’m pregnant??? The last thought left me running to the sink to spit out my mouthful of coffee. I continued to stand there and stare at the positive test in my hand- unable to grasp the fact that this was really happening. Becoming a parent is such an abstract thought…until it isn’t. A wave of emotion came over me and I started to cry. I felt so grateful. So elated. So nervous. So shocked. So insanely happy.

 It makes Frank very uncomfortable when I cry and he anxiously peered up at me with his big brown eyes. I kept reassuring him it was ok, that I was just happy. Then I informed him he was going to be a big brother. ha.

Still unable to catch my breath and with tears streaming down my face I picked up the phone to call Brian. Then I thought better of it and hung up. I didn’t want him to find out he was going to be a father in a hurried phone call between meetings at work, so I dialed my mother instead. She sleepily picked up the phone (it was 7 am after all) and I began to sob even harder.

To which she fearfully replied, “Kate??? What’s wrong???! Are you ok??!”

“I’m preeeee- ga- nant!!” I said between tears.

“What???”she said

“I’m PREGNANT!” I said

“You are!!? Why are you crying then???”

“I don’t know” sniffle “I guess I’m just overwhelmed.”

So, that’s how my mom found out.

After hanging up with her I began to ponder my next step. I felt emotionally paralyzed. I guess I was supposed to go to the doctor for blood work to confirm it? Yeah, that seemed right. So I got dressed and drove to my doctor’s office. A few hours later I got the call…I was most definitely pregnant!  The next thing on my agenda…how to tell Brian the news. I went back and forth on various ideas. Even googling “how to tell your partner you’re pregnant”- let me tell you…there are some really creative people out there. So many brilliant ideas. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put on a big show or just tell him the news. I tried to think of ways to bring Frank into the announcement as well. Maybe I could find a shirt that read “I’m going to be a big brother” and squeeze Frank into it before Brian got home? Sadly, I was crunched for time so instead of driving around town in search of a big brother shirt for Frank, I headed to the bookstore in search of a book about becoming a father for Brian. I settled on a book that’s cover read…“DUDE, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A DAD!” with a bunch of sperm swimming around. I thought the swimming sperm was a nice touch.

I taped the positive test stick to the cover of the book (not quite sure why I thought the book title wouldn’t be clear enough?) and put it at the bottom of a newly folded pile of clothes out of the dryer. When Brian got home from work I asked him to go thru the pile to make sure everything was his before putting it away. He went thru each shirt…yes…yes…yes…yes…no…yes…then he got to the book..looked right at it and moved on- clearly, it didn’t register at first. Then he stopped in his tracks…went back to the book…peered at me with wide eyes and said…REALLY??!

I said…YES!!!

He stood there quietly. I wasn’t quite sure what was coming next. Tears, maybe?? Brian doesn’t do well with surprises. After a few moments…he made a move…hugged me tightly and said…”I’m so happy for you!”

HAAAAA.

“I’m so happy for you” Best. Response. Ever. Like I was some stranger on the street who just told him she was pregnant.

I said, “You’re so happy for ME? You are aware that I didn’t get pregnant on my own right?”

He will never live that response down- NEVER. I won’t let him. I was expecting tears. people! Poor boy was in total shock. After an hour (and a few beers) the shock had worn off and he was excitedly touching my belly. He just needed a minute to let it all sink in.

So there you have it…we’re having a BABY!!!

And we found out last week it’s a baby boy!!!

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project 30 – jessica

4 Jun

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Jessica, 30 / owner of Cotton Rainbow

What would your 30 something self tell your 20 something self if you could?

Things happen for a reason. Be patient because when it is right, it will happen.

What do you wish you took more seriously in your 20’s?

My friendships. I lived my life like a spinning top, moving from one new thing to another. I didn’t really stop to appreciate what was in front of me and really work to make those friendships thrive.

What do you wish you took less seriously in your 20’s?

Figuring out what was next. I wish I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

Favorite memory from your 20’s?
Having my daughter Ella. It was the most incredible day of my life. I have never in my life felt more alive.

In your early 20’s where did you think you would be (work, live etc) by 30?

I thought I would be a successful event planner who had it all. I thought I would be married with a few children and be totally financially stable . I would have the perfect work/life balance and have it all!

And where were you by 30? What did your life look like?

I am exactly where I should be. I turned 30 with my husband Eric and my daughter Ella and my 2 dogs. I am a co-owner of my own business Cotton Rainbow, a children’s gear company. I love being a mom. My road to having a baby was extremely difficult and not one that I would have ever imagined. Looking back, I now realize that it happened for a reason.

Were you ever worried that it wouldn’t all fall into place?

Absolutely! Doesn’t everyone?

What is the greatest gift about being a woman in your 30’s?

Perspective. I have not been 30 for long (yep, a whole month) but I can honestly say that my 20’s were all about the journey.

When you look out onto the horizon. What do you hope your life looks like at 40?

I envision having another child and my business being super successful. I hope to have multiple people working for Cotton Rainbow. I want the office to be super baby and dog friendly and will allow my employees to have a great work/life balance. I hope to have traveled with Eric and Ella. I am so excited to watch Ella grow, learn and discover the world.

What’s a quote/ saying you try to live your life by?

“Treat no one lightly and think nothing is useless, for everyone has one’s moment and everything has its place.” – Pirkei Avot

connect with Jessica / instagram @cotton_rainbow / Facebook / twitter /

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