25 Sep

mr & mrs

So, I had my first wedding dress fitting last weekend and well, I wouldn’t say it went great. I had big plans that it would. The game plan was to eat only salads and drink only green juices five days leading up to the fitting. You know, like any normal bride would do. But I’ve learned that I’m not “any normal bride”- instead I did everything one shouldn’t do five days before their first wedding dress fitting. I spent the week eating carbs, drinking wine and eating sweets. The low was actually eating pizza for lunch before my 3:00 pm appointment. I mean, what the eff is wrong with me, right? Am I insane??? I don’t even eat pizza. Actually, I rarely even eat carbs!

I’ve always been the type of person that if you tell me to NOT do something…I’m like…watch me. Clearly, I haven’t changed much.

When I walked into Monique Lhuillier the day of I was still optimistic that my week on the dark side wasn’t going to effect me. I glanced around at the other brides getting fit- it was a sea of six-foot, stick thin ladies. I didn’t remember there being so many of them the last time I was here. It was like a model convention. Clearly, the universe was screwing with me. When my seamstress, Olga called my name I took a big gulp of water and reminded myself that I would probably be just fine. I mean, I work out four days a week and all. But the minute she zipped up my dress, I knew…I knew I was fucked. Sure it zipped, but walking was labored and sitting down was near to impossible. Naughty bride. Naughty bride. Naughty bride.

Olga stood there quietly adjusting my dress.

I said, “So, how many more fittings do we have before the big day?”

She said, “At least three but sometimes up to four.

Ok, good” I said causally “because I want to lose a few pounds in the meantime…it feels a bit snug.”

She pursed her lips, looked at me with concern and said, “I hate telling brides this, but, um….yes, you should lose at least five pounds before your next fitting…in three weeks.

This is exactly what you DON’T want to hear your seamstress say six weeks before your wedding.

When I got in my car I immediately called Brian and dramatically yelled, “Why did you let me eat all that pizza this week!! My dress barely fit!”

Clearly, my situation was his fault.

Can’t they just let the dress out a bit?” He asked lovingly

“What an insane question! NO!”

I was suddenly reminded of the scene in Bride Wars in which Kate Hudson’s character screams…

“You don’t alter Vera to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera!!!!!!!”

My life had become a scene from Bride Wars. Sigh.

“I can’t even sit in it!” I yelled

“Well, people always say that you never sit down at your own wedding anyway.” He said

Hysterical, Brian. Hyssssssterical.

So, now what? What’s the game plan? Well, I won’t be eating pizza anymore, that’s for sure. I will also not be enjoying carbs in general, sweets or dairy. Jealous? Oh, and I will also be saying goodbye to my favorite thing…buttery chardonnay. Big sigh. It all seems like a cruel joke considering the stress weddings come with.. One needs buttery chardonnay and pizza.

45 days! YAY!


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7 Responses to “45”

  1. Graceful Gypsy September 25, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

    Dear Duplikate,

    I love reading your posts, love love love. I’m sitting in my backyard right now doing work and by work I mean sidetracking to 360 of course… and I laughed out loud..to which my next door neighbor just yelled, “must have been a good one!”

    ***please note that any laughter that escaped my mouth was not a “haha she’s fucked laugh”, but more of a “haha” response to the dialogue between you and your beloved. and hearing your inner dialogue with Olga, wedding dress fitter extraordinaire. sigh. The truth is you are going to look ridiculously GORGEOUS on your wedding day. love you.

  2. cravesadventure September 25, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    Oh My Goodness!!! I remember those final fitting appointments and I was a rollercoaster of emotions until I got on the plane to go on my Honeymoon. I stressed about losing weight between those fitting appointments and then I lost almost 15 pounds the week of my Wedding and my dress was loose in spots then I cried and laughed some more. Wishing You the Best:)

  3. Erika September 25, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

    This is why it is good to be fat to begin with… I walked in the store (an hour after lunch) and found a dress that fit perfectly (actually found 3!!! I know right???? for a fatty… I was quite depressed after the bridal stores size 2s and 4s, but David’s saved my ass…literally) … didn’t have to loose any (which made it less stressful as I did most of everything) and I actually could breath in it ;O) … now lets not go into the loosing part… smaller then on my wedding day but a ways to go.
    You are already a model… you will look even more gorgeous then ever, and the dress will be put to shame from the smile on your face and the tears in your eyes. No Worries!

  4. Charlene777@gmail.com September 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    You are so funny. I love reading your posts! The countdown and your posts are awesome.

  5. Chantal September 25, 2013 at 10:47 pm #

    Dear lovely, just a great, honest, funny
    Blunt, as a matter of fact piece! I couldn’t stop laughing just thinking of the look in your face while you where standing there with Olga! I have all faith you will be just were you need to be, but thanks for reminding us all is the crazy ness that filters our brain, and the pressure we set upon ourselves, before wedding day! Yes I also recall on my first round, juicing, Fasting, went on the only smoothies diet, and dragged myself to the gym and before the crack of dawn!! The thinks we do…

  6. jen October 11, 2013 at 4:43 am #

    HI! I recently discovered your blog this year and have been enjoying your posts, this one had me laughing till my belly hurt. I’ve been there before, oh the joys of the dress fitting! I’m sure you are going to look great, enjoying the countdown till your big day…

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