52

18 Sep

jump

Oh, change.

I’ve been trying to find my balance amidst all the change this year has brought me. Somedays successfully…and others…well, not so much. I’ve always found that I have a hard time with change. Which is surprising to me because my life always seems to be full of change. Almost as if I seek out the very thing that is hard for me to deal with. Last week my therapist asked me a very interesting question…”how do you think you’re going to feel after you are married?” Huh, I hadn’t really thought about that. All I have thought about is how I feel now. The pure excitement I feel about becoming Bri’s wife. I recalled a few different responses some of my friends  have had after the big day…one felt claustrophobic…one felt let down and a little depressed after the high of the day was over…one said she had never felt better. How would I feel? I didn’t really know.

I sat there thinking about how I thought I would feel and then I remembered the last big change in my life and how I reacted.

Ruh-Ruh…I thought

Seven months ago we bought and moved into our beautiful new loft. A loft that I swear looks exactly like every home image on my vision board. Finding out we got it was one of the most exciting moments. I just couldn’t believe it was going to be ours. I was overcome with gratitude and felt like we were the luckiest people alive. Not to mention I was dying to get out of our miniature and rundown bungalow by the beach. I hated that place and complained about it on a daily basis. It was tiny (I literally had to move Brian’s surfboards every time I needed to get in the fridge), there was no dishwasher (and the sink would back up all the time), little closet space (clothes would fall on my head each time I opened the closet), had no heat (we seriously froze in the winter!) and only one parking space. ( I collected many parking tickets during this time)

I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was so excited in fact I started packing up our place a month ahead of schedule.

But after we moved into our new home my excitement popped like a balloon. Suddenly, I felt depressed. I felt discombobulated. I felt isolated. I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of it. I just didn’t feel like myself. I actually cried for a few days because I missed our old crappy little bungalow by the beach. I missed having to huddle around the wall heater in the bathroom brushing our teeth in the morning.  I missed the cozy holidays we spent there with our Christmas tree taking over the whole living room. I missed the view we had of the park from our windows. I missed cooking dinner with Brian in our tiny kitchen. I fondly remembered the time my heel went through the hard wood floor because of the termites. I remembered laughing so hard we cried because we could hear our neighbor do…well, everything through our paper-thin walls. I missed that bungalow so much that I wanted to be transported back. It was rickety and old but it was oh, so sweet, and filled with charm. Our life felt really simple while we lived there and I’ve come to learn I really like simple.

I felt crazy admitting my feelings to anyone because I thought that they made me sound ungrateful (I mean, who was I to complain??) and I hate seeming ungrateful because I try consciously to operate from a place of gratitude every day. But, as hard as I tried I just couldn’t shake it. I felt depressed. I remember calling my mom and asking, “Why do I feel this way when I am so blessed and lucky? I got exactly what I wanted. What’s wrong with me?”

Many moons have passed since that time and now I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. I get home everyday and look around our home with a smile on my face.

I’ve learned that change is hard for me. Even fabulous and exciting change. Even change  that I want badly and work hard to create. Growing up and taking on new responsibilities is hard.

But, I wouldn’t change any of it. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am excited. Actually, I’m excited for all the next steps that this life may bring, even if they make my cry for a few days.

+

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France

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6 Responses to “52”

  1. Loni Found Herself September 18, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

    When I read your memories of your old place, Kate, I don’t see the bungalow as being the common denominator. I see the things you’ve enjoyed experiencing with Brian.

    So I think you’ll feel wonderful after your wedding, because you’re marrying a good guy and the two of you will be a family. No matter the changes, he’ll be there. That’s always what I tell myself when I have a huge change coming on the horizon – “Mike is here. You’ll do it together.” 🙂

  2. the usual bliss September 18, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    I relate to a lot about what you’ve written. Change is hard for me, too. I’ve learned that getting “exactly what you want” isn’t always the best thing for a person- I think being shaken up out of the comfort of that is a good thing. Change is how we grow! It’s ok to feel nostalgic for old times or things past- those times made you who you are now, brought you to where you are today.
    I think I shared with you my feelings of an identity crisis after my first wedding. I really didn’t know how to be a wife, and felt nostalgic and sad for the “old me” (even though I loved where the “new me” was in life). You’ve experienced a LOT of big changes this year- cut yourself some slack and try to remember that quote from MB’s favorite poem about this spot you’re in being circled by God. You have an amazing support system of friends, family, and your man who are so excited for this time in your life. You’re where you’re supposed to be!

  3. SewHaute September 19, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    This is amazing. I love this story. Change is in the air, it seems. For me, September is always a month of big change. Call it the seasons, the birthday, or simply the month of the year that I seem to reflect most. Change is never something easy for me to take on. It’s like a turbulent and incessant wind running through my mind, making me constantly wonder if I’m in the right place. If I’m about to make the right decisions. If I really need to change. Or flat, knowing I need to change and trying to convince myself of the best way. And in the end, until the change is made, I never really know if it was the best choice for me. But one thing’s for sure – “I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.” ~Steve Jobs

  4. cravesadventure September 19, 2013 at 10:46 am #

    Loving your post – thanks so much for sharing:) I remember after getting married saying “We Did It!” and then comes the next chapter of adventures together. Have a Great Day!

  5. hunting for bliss September 19, 2013 at 11:04 am #

    I can totally relate to this. I miss our old truck, as weird as that sounds…We got a newer, better, bigger one and I miss the old, small one with the bench seat in front, even though I was the one that made the push for the new one. I miss the memories we created in that old truck–camping our way through Utah in the topper, all the road trips with the dogs in the back. I can’t imagine how my heart will break when we move out of our starter home! *Sigh* It’s hard to let go, but the important part is the company we keep. I made the memories with Matt and we will hopefully be making more of them for years to come. Love the quote. xx

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Be.Present. | Be.Girlie.Grappling. - September 22, 2013

    […] past week, my lovely and talented friend Kate of 365 til 30, posted about change and perspective. It has been marinating in my mind since I read her take on […]

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