reflecting

I’m sitting at the airport waiting for my flight back east for my grandmother’s funeral. It’s my birthday. It’s a surreal birthday. A less than stellar one, if you will. But despite the current situation, I’m aware of how lucky I am. The last year has been to me and I’m grateful that Mom-mom (my grandmother) knew how happy I was before she passed.

I can’t believe I’m officially thirty-one. If the next nine years fly by as quickly as the last year did, I’ll be working on 365 til 40 sooner than I’d care to imagine. I started this blog two years ago. That’s bananas. The last two years have been such a journey. This blog has taught me that it is possible to have the life you imagined for yourself, that dreaming big pays off & that each day counts. It’s also taught me that no matter how hard I try to control life can also suck. Sometimes you have meetings that you think will change your life and they don’t. Sometimes you think things will go one way and they go the other. Sometimes you suffer from anxiety about everything and nothing and it makes the day-to-day seem exhausting. Sometimes your scared of the future despite the present being lovely & sometimes you are flying to your grandmother’s funeral on your 31st birthday.

Sometimes things are out of your control and that is ok because sometimes it leads you to the best places.

Twenty-nine to thirty was all about accomplishing personal goals, learning more about the woman I was at my core and realizing the kind of woman I wanted to be moving forward. Thirty to thirty-one was all about building a home and family. I didn’t know that going into the year but when I reflect on the past 365 days “home” was the major theme. Brian and I got engaged, bought our first place, worked together building our home, planned a wedding and got our first baby (ok a fur baby), Frank. It’s been a blessed year but also a difficult one.

Sometimes even good change is hard to navigate, you know? There have been a lot of adult activities going on and it has forced me to grow in ways I didn’t know I even needed to. Am I better for it? Yes. Am I also exhausted? Yes.

It goes as follows…

Saying “yes” to become Brian’s wife was one of the most exciting days of my life but taking on the responsibility of becoming a wife felt different than I expected. Getting engaged isn’t just about a pretty ring; it’s about deciding to show up for another human being for the rest of your life. That’s such a huge commitment and since I plan on getting married only once, I take the commitment very seriously. I want to be a great wife to Brian.Actually, not just a great wife but a beyond amazing wife. He deserves that. So with that said, I’ve been in a thoughtful place about it all.

As much as I love our new home (really it is everything I have ever wanted), there is also something about having a mortgage that makes me feel a little stuck. We can’t just pick up and move to a different city whenever we please. We own a home. We have responsibilities. Taking it on was a transition for me. I have always imagined myself traveling the world and living like a nomad. I love change. I love travel. I love adventure. So taking on a mortgage felt heavy for me. Again, am I happy with the choice? YES. But was it a shift in perspective? YES

Oh, and the wedding…. THE WEDDING! Let me tell you…planning a wedding is no walk in the park. They are stressful, time-consuming and they push you and your fiancée to compromise. Although the compromising part has reassured me that Brian and I are really well suited for each other. The two of us compromise well. We also care so deeply for each other that we let nothing get in the way of us. We are the best of friends. We respect each other and we make a point to find solutions. As hard as wedding planing is, I am so excited to become Brian’s wife. I must have done something right in my past life because he is the best of the best.

Lastly, there is Frank. My fur baby. The newest love of my life. As you know, I wanted to get him badly but I forgot to take into consideration how much puppies are like babies in my “I must get a puppy phase”. He’s the funniest, smartest & cutest little dude but he’s also the most hyper and insane puppy EVER. Am I beyond happy I have him? YESSSS. Do I sometimes wish he had an off switch? YESSSS

So what am I really saying about the last year? Well, despite being exhausting and overwhelming at times, I loved the last year. The last year made me a better human. I love where I am, anxiety issues and all. I love being Brian’s fiancée. I love our home. I love our pup. I love my friends and family. I’m excited to become a wife. I’m excited for the next year. Life is always surprising me in the most beautiful and challenging ways.

AND I trust the next year will continue to do just that…

365 til wedding…365 til 32….365 til…