surrender

2 Apr

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Monday was a particularly anxious day. Not impossibly hard, believe me I’ve had worse but still an “off” day. It started off just fine. Strangely enough I find myself more anxious in the afternoons. I still haven’t been able to figure that one out. By the time I got home from work around 5pm all I wanted to do was crawl in bed with a cup of tea and be done with the day. But I had an acupuncture appointment at 6pm and I decided it would have been rude to cancel on her so late.

I also realized how crazy my thinking was. I mean, I go to acupuncture for my issues with anxiety and now I wanted to skip out on the appointment because of my anxiety? Silliness. With that I dragged myself out of the house and down the street to Yo San. I walked in the office, checked in and waited patiently for my name to be called. Why was it so hot in here? Stuffy actually. Huh, nobody else seems hot. That woman is even drinking tea.  I peeled off my sweatshirt and took a sip of my cold water. A few minutes later my acupuncturist called my name.

She led me to the same room she does every week and she asked me the same questions she does every week.

How was my week? Have I been feeling better of worse after last weeks session? Any changes in sleep? Anxiety? Night sweats? Was I on my cycle? Did I feel any changes with the new herbs I was taking? 

I told her that overall I felt much calmer this week (because really I have!) although I was having an anxious day for no apparent reason. She took my pulse. Looked at my tongue. Asked me a few more questions and decided that we would do the same points we did last time but add in a few extra for calmness.

She left the room while I undressed, put on the robe and laid down on the table. My head was moving at a million miles an hour. The thoughts moved so quickly. One leading me to the next in a millisecond. I couldn’t stop running through my day. My heart felt fast and I felt hot. I thought about the weekend. It was filled with so many activities. Each one I enjoyed but I was more exhausted by everything then relaxed by it. I hate when that happens. Maybe that’s why today felt hard? I didn’t have any quiet time the last few days and I’m horrible with out quiet time. I really have to make a point of carving out time for myself and putting what I need first sometimes. It’s ok to do that, right? I need to learn how to say no. I need to set better boundaries. I thought about an upsetting phone call I had over the weekend and began to feel more wound up. I hadn’t really addressed the conversation yet. Maybe that’s why I was feeling anxious. That call hurt my feelings. Did I put the check in the mail for the wedding planner? I think I did. I hope I did because then I don’t know where I put it. I need to write tonight. I had no time to write this weekend. Maybe that’s why I feel off?

Faint music played in the background. I hadn’t even noticed it before. I figured it was supposed to be relaxing, so I tried to tune out the noise in my head and listen to the music.

My acupuncturist walked in. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She began to softly place the needles in various parts of my body; between my eyes, on my ears, on my skull, between my knuckles, on my hands, my wrists, my legs, feet and toes. Once they were all in she turned off the lights and left me alone to lie there for what usually ends up being 40 minutes. I took another deep breath and settled into my body. I stared at the wall ahead of me. The sun was setting and warm light poured through the holes in the blinds, making what looked like a bunch of strings of pearls on the wall. I smiled. How pretty. I listened to my breath. My breathing slowed. There was nothing else to do or figure out in that moment. I could just be. I felt a wave of gratitude sweep through me. I simply watched the sunlight dance against the wall. My head had finally stopped running.

I had finally surrendered to the moment. 

*

“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.”
Walt Whitman

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10 Responses to “surrender”

  1. Charlene April 2, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    Thank you for writing and sharing this. You have inspired me to get acupuncture.

  2. katemcclafferty April 2, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    Thank you for your support, Charlene. I look forward to hearing about your experiences:) xx

  3. the usual bliss April 2, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    The forced time out to lose myself is one of my favorite things about acupuncture. I’m sorry to hear about a stressful/too busy weekend (especially the phone call- I couldn’t shake the bad juju from a recent email for a couple of weeks!). Try to remember that you are only responsible for YOU, and let the rest go. 🙂 xx

    • katemcclafferty April 4, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

      “Remember you are only responsible for you” – I love that. Thank you, Amber:)

      • the usual bliss April 5, 2013 at 11:21 am #

        It’s something that I’m learning, too.

  4. Mary Corey April 2, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    I love this. I think opening up about your humanness will help to lessen the anxiety. Secrets suck. Love, m

    Sent from my iPad

  5. righteousbruin9 April 3, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    The lesson seems to be- “You will get through this, Kate”. Moments of restfulness get us through the worst of stressors.

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