project 30’s – lynzie

Lynzie, 31.  Almost.

What would your 30 something self tell your 20 something self if you could?

Oh, my twenties.

I should probably preface this by saying that I married a musician exactly three weeks before my twentieth birthday, and gave birth to my first child 4 days after our first wedding anniversary.

Now that we’ve got that covered!

Most of my twenties were spent focusing on the needs of my children, and I didn’t pay nearly as much attention to myself as I should have.  As a result, I sort of came undone in my late twenties, and it is only recently that I have begun the process of stitching myself – and my life – back together.

I would tell my twentysomething self that part of being a good mother means teaching your children the importance of  caring for themselves by doing just that.  I would remind her that having the world figured out means nothing if you haven’t figured yourself out, first.  I would hug her and tell her that divorce isn’t a failure, that sometimes it’s actually a victory.  That babies only get bigger, and much too quickly.  And, most importantly, I would tell her to never, ever stop writing.

What do you wish you took more seriously in your 20’s?

Photographing my children.  My writing.  My savings account.  Sunscreen.  Time.

What do you wish you took less seriously in your 20’s?

Other mothers.

Favorite memory from your 20’s?

Giving birth to Emet!  Ten years later, I can recall every detail of that day as if it just happened.  Nothing changed my life more than bringing him into the world, and every day I thank the Universe for giving me a child as incredible as that boy.  What fun we’ve had.

His sister’s pretty remarkable, too, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just, his birth fundamentally altered the way I perceive the world.  Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

In your early 20’s where did you think you would be (work, live etc) by 30?

Honestly?  I couldn’t see that far in front of me.

My twenties were all about survival.  I had no plan other than to make it through each day with both children fed and bathed and not too traumatized by the time they went to sleep.  It wasn’t until after I turned thirty that I really started to consider making long-term plans.

And where were you by 30? What did your life look like?

My life, true to form,  was in a huge state of transition.  I had spent the previous year fighting a particularly brutal battle with anxiety, and was only beginning to regain a sense of control.  We signed a lease on a house in San Diego – sight unseen, I might add – the morning of my birthday, and went straight to the grueling task that is a cross-country relocation.

Were you ever worried that it wouldn’t all fall into place?

I still am!  Up until a few weeks ago, I would have said that it hasn’t really fallen into place.  For the most part, that is still true.  But I am learning to recognize all of the different ways in which it has fallen into place – I have managed to raise two really remarkable people, I share my life with an incredible man who loves me and believes in me, the father of my children remains one of my closest friends, my work in Waldorf education keeps me inspired and engaged in significant discussions,  and, for probably the first time, I know what I want from life and from myself.

However, if I have learned one thing from all of this chaos that has been the last ten years of my life, it is that everything is in a constant state of evolution, and it’s important to always be adaptable, because the Universe has a funny way of shaking things up when you least expect it.

What is the greatest gift about being a woman in your 30’s?

The greatest gift about being a woman in her 30s is not being a woman in her 20s.

When you look out onto the horizon what do you hope your life looks like at 40?

I would like to be established in my life, in ways that have continued to elude me.  I’d like to own property, to have grown my career as a freelance writer, and to be able to travel with my family.

What’s a quote/ saying you try to live your life by?

Le Petit Prince has been my favorite book since I first read it back when I was a teenager.  To this day I have yet to read it in English, but I have seen the rare gem that is the 1974 musical adaptation starring Gene Wilder as the Fox and Bob Fosse as the Snake and, trust me, it is not to be missed.12

Saint-Exupéry writes, “Voici mon secret.  Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”  Which translates to, “Here is my secret.  It is very simple: one cannot see except with the heart.  What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Also, as part of my daily practice, I meditate on this verse by Rudolf Steiner:

May wisdom shine through me

May love glow in me

May strength penetrate me

That in me may arise

A helper of mankind

Servant of Holy Things

Selfless and True

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